


i love you so bad

by 10outof10



Series: i love you so bad [1]
Category: SEVENTEEN (Band)
Genre: Flashbacks, Foreshadows, Heavy Angst, M/M, Soonhoon - Freeform, Woozi, hoshi - Freeform, im proud of this one tbh, jihoon - Freeform, soonyoung - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-11-23
Updated: 2016-11-23
Packaged: 2018-09-01 16:24:07
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,951
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8630914
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/10outof10/pseuds/10outof10
Summary: Jihoon wasn't at all heady, unless he's with Soonyoung. It was a night filled with wishes, careless kisses, and one last promise.





	

**Author's Note:**

> i can't believe i wrote this lol who would have known. i hope you enjoy reading it as much as i enjoyed writing it.
> 
> i recommend listening to lany's ilysb and little mix's nobody like you while reading this story. good stuff! *thumbs up*

Flashes from last night still haunts me, I held onto his hand for so long, the emptiness between my fingers are evidence to my longing of his warmth, his reckless laugh, his soft lips against mine. It all felt like a dream, oh I wish it didn’t end. I wish he didn’t have to end.

“Lee Jihoon! You have school, get out of bed!” The sound of my mother’s voice like a gong that shatters both my head and heart. School. Another reminder of him that I don’t want to indulge myself again, but I need to. I need to go back to the old routine, forget he ever happened in my life to let myself be free from his scent. I had let out a defeated sigh and got ready for school with only a fifteen minute sleep that I got, will I even survive?

 

* * *

 

_Thursday nights were filled with music and piled up home works. I swear to god, these teachers will be the death of me. If it weren’t for the music, I would have been a feast for the flies, already rotting from all these useless Math equations. My mind keeps on flying to the thought of him. Kwon Soonyoung. We’re friends, I think. That’s what he calls me whenever his clique asks who I am. Yeah, we’re friends… that act like we’re not. But we’re friends._

_“Just friends…” I mutter._

_Bzz Bzz._

_‘Hoon! Take a jacket, match box and your beautiful ass out your window.  
— Soonyoung’_

_“What?” I stood up from my desk and peaked out my window. There he is, his disheveled black hair under a gray hoodie, leaned over his beaten down jeep. Soonyoung had his gaze on the ground, his old converse kicking the concrete; he’s never patient. I lifted the window up and threw a crumpled paper at him, successfully making him look up, confusion and delight in his eyes accompanied with a piece of death stick in between his small pink lips. A sight I’m used to, a sight that completes my night, a sight that reminds me that Soonyoung is dangerous, but I seem to be attracted to danger._

_Soonyoung lifts his hand and motions me to come jump down. ‘What the fuck is he up to now?’ I furrowed my eyebrows, all he did was mirror me before cocking his head to his jeep. He wants to drive. I stare back at my bedside clock, 7:38 PM. My mother is probably in the shower and will be in bed by thirty minutes. “Hey boo.”_

_“Holy mother of-“ My whole body jerked before I turn back to the window, only to have my face inches away from him. I stood there, frozen, staring at his lips that has been wet and bitten, he had the side curled into a smirk. Stop driving me wild, you jerk._

_“So, are you gonna kiss me or…”_

_I did. It was amazing._

 

* * *

 

I wore the same grey hoodie he wore; it smells like musk, smoke, and the things we did last night. The hoodie smelled like memories that twisted my stomach the way it twisted when we kissed in my bedroom, when he held me like I actually meant something to him. He made me realize just how much I repulse every piece of him, and at the same time, he made me realize how addicted I am to a drug called _Soonyoung_.

The fabric is too big for my frame, it covered my neck to my thighs; it looked like a long hem street tee, his kind of fashion. It hid the evidence of him on my skin, his empty promises that was written on my neck down to my shoulders and on my nape. I am a book of his words, filled with his secrets, lies, and uncertain plans. I hold on to every page like ink stain that I want to erase but only end up making more mess of myself. I am a mess that he left, wondering if he’ll ever come back to fix it, _**to fix me**. I hate you Kwon Soonyoung._

 

* * *

 

_He had his hand on the wheel, carefully turning it as if he’s opening a shower, not wanting to get hit by cold water that might wake us up from this bubble we had made by ourselves. The other filled the space between mine; I stare at him as he bites his lower lip, so focused on the road. I’ve never seen him so serious. I keep wondering what’s on his mind. He’s full of secrets under a thick blanket I can’t wait to uncover and memorize every detail of. What is with you?_

_“Stop staring at me like that. You have me all night to devour; I’m all yours Jihoon.” Soonyoung spoke, his voice like smooth bittersweet coffee in a Saturday morning. Why does everything, except him, feel so damn wrong?_

_I went back to look at my lap, quietly staring at my black joggers. I feel funny whenever I’m with him, he does things to me I can’t explain. He reminds me of fireworks every family day back when my father was still with my mother. Soonyoung is colorful, dynamic, and loud, but he diffuses and simmers down into a soft whisper of light before he turns quiet and dark. I never understood how someone could be like that. Like a firework, he’s beautiful but leaves you feeling empty and hanging. Maybe that’s why I can’t get enough of him._

_“Why are you so quiet?” He squeezed my hand._

_“I like the song. It reminds me of you.”_

_He turns the volume up till we drown in the soft mellow music, he holds my hand tighter; I kiss the back of his and closed my eyes. The feeling of him just beside me, the silence between us that danced under the song of some underrated alternative band, brings me a sense of safety. I can’t help but smile on his skin, which he took in with a light laugh as he continued driving down the empty road leading to nowhere, and that’s exactly where we’re going._

_  
Nowhere._

 

* * *

 

He was a path leading nowhere which I confidently took. All he is was a dark tunnel that had no end. I kept walking down his road in hopes to find the boy that I hear crying whenever he looks at me with those eyes; the boy that yells for help when he kisses me like he’s suffocating and I’m the only source of oxygen. I want to save him even if it meant losing myself. I haven’t been good with directions, I couldn’t tell how many turns I’ve made that I’ve wasted a lot of time trying to look for that boy inside of him, when all it took was a walk straight ahead but it was all too late when I found him. He hid so well underneath all the puffs of smoke and mixture of musk and alcohol, that got me too intoxicated to even notice his hand reaching out to me.

The bus to school felt like a second into my thoughts, it was too fast that I can’t help but hold on to my bag tighter. I am entering another memory of him, I feel nauseous from the thought of being stuck in four walls that had every marks of him.

My feet brought me to class like usual. The seat behind me felt cold, Soonyoung isn’t there to keep everyone entertained during discussions, the room is gloomy and I know for sure that I’m the one who misses him the most.

 

* * *

 

 

_He took me to the beach, a place where I never imagined he would take me to. It was always the back of the bowling place, or the field near our school, or sometimes we stay in my room and he’d go away before the sun rises; I never understood why he always goes away when the sky is at its darkest._

_We sat at the back of his jeep, his arms kept me warm as I lay on his chest. The beating of his heart was like a beautiful rhythm that I want to make songs out of. I never questioned what was going on between us. I don’t want labels, labels put prices on everything and what we have is something I don’t want both of us to pay. I don’t want our happiness to have a price, but it seems like mine does. He is my happiness, but I can’t afford everything._

_“Soonyoung?”_  
“Hmm?”  
“Why?”  
“What do you mean?”  
“Why did you take me here?”

_He stayed quiet. I had to turn to look at his face to see why, to read him, but all of the sudden I forgot how to when he placed his lips on mine. He held onto me so tight, and I could have sworn that meant something. He gave me signals by how his pair molded so perfectly with my lips, and how his hand roamed my body. He didn’t need words to tell me that I am special, I felt his need and I was willing to give him everything he wanted._

_Soonyoung stopped for a moment to meet my eyes, and the moment I opened them, I saw the boy I was looking for. The boy whose cries I only hear faintly. I found him. He looked so vulnerable, he scanned my face as if it’s the last thing he wants to remember before..._

_“Jihoon. I’m going away.”_

_It was my turn of silence. I couldn’t hear anything. Everything seemed like a dream, a nightmare that I suddenly want to be waken up from. But it wasn’t. I didn’t ask where he was going, I don’t want any more information that might have me chasing after him. I took all my courage and gave him a sad smile. He opened his mouth but I had heard enough. Enough to know that this is the last night we’ll have. This is the last night that we’ll ever get to unravel and memorize each other. I kissed him deeply, giving him all of me._

_I drowned myself in him, consuming all the love he has to give. I am naked in front of him letting myself be a canvas for his art. His kisses that left flowers blooming all over me; He made me a compilation of his emotions, and I didn’t regret every single moment._

 

* * *

 

 

I went home earlier than expected. There were news and people whispering, their words made my knees weak. My mother had to pick me up, she was silent, she knew. Everyone knew. I knew, but I didn’t do anything. I ran up to the bathroom, I stared at myself in the mirror. I’m a mess. My hands lifted his grey hoodie off my body and there I saw the remaining pieces of him.

He has written beautiful poetries, painted landscapes, and wrote his last good bye on me.

 

* * *

 

 

_He took me home before sunrise, the darkest time of the day. He kissed my forehead one last time, before he walked towards the window to escape. Soonyoung looked back and gave me one last look before he spoke._

_“Promise me something.”_  
“What is it?”  
“Forget me the moment you wake up tomorrow.”

_I got up from my bed to chase after him, but he jumped down and ran away from me. I watched as his jeep drove down the block and disappeared completely. Now I know why he always leaves me at this hour. To let me see the light at the end of the tunnel that he doesn’t want me to get stuck in._


End file.
